Canadian Correspondent David Gold - Spotlight On: Celine Dion

Listen Bitches,

I know I haven't posted in a while but I have good reasons: 1. My life has become a never-ending cycle of cheap heroin and cheaper Malaysian hookers 2. This country is uneventful. I am becoming increasingly aware that Celine Dion is balls-to-walls huge up here for some reason. In Quebec she's like Kanye times Mohammed plus Madonna to the power of Jesus Christ. In my 25-person French class, my professor went around the room and had everyone say one sentence about Celine. When we ran out of information, any positive statement was accepted as fact. My professor was also inordinately proud of the fact that she shares a birthday with Celine's son, and told us that when friends call her to wish her a happy birthday they make sure to remind her how important that day is to all of them. My class also learned, without asking, that Celine's pregnancy was made possible by in vitro fertilization. I'm sure this will all come in handy sometime down the road.

You wanna get that paper, you better start baking
--DG