Reading

Theres a billboard just off campus in Oxford that reads

MISSISSIPPI with effective leadership our children could read.

Canadian Correspondent David Gold - Spotlight On: Celine Dion

Listen Bitches,

I know I haven't posted in a while but I have good reasons: 1. My life has become a never-ending cycle of cheap heroin and cheaper Malaysian hookers 2. This country is uneventful. I am becoming increasingly aware that Celine Dion is balls-to-walls huge up here for some reason. In Quebec she's like Kanye times Mohammed plus Madonna to the power of Jesus Christ. In my 25-person French class, my professor went around the room and had everyone say one sentence about Celine. When we ran out of information, any positive statement was accepted as fact. My professor was also inordinately proud of the fact that she shares a birthday with Celine's son, and told us that when friends call her to wish her a happy birthday they make sure to remind her how important that day is to all of them. My class also learned, without asking, that Celine's pregnancy was made possible by in vitro fertilization. I'm sure this will all come in handy sometime down the road.

You wanna get that paper, you better start baking
--DG

Dear America,

there has been a lot of clamoring for me to run as the president of the united states. I am extremely flattered but i would like to inform you all that I will not run in 2008. Not only have I had trouble raising money, but I think that it is unconstitutional for me to run in 2008, if this is true i call it unfair. I had some great ideas:

1. the whole china rant from a few minutes ago
2. free sweaters for all
3. livestock and potatoes will count as 3/5 of a man in the 2010 census, thus escalating Wyoming and Idaho into POWERHOUSES for the 2012 election
4. legalize it!
5. Did you know Wednesday is named for the Norse God Odin? Wēdnes dæg is like the Old Norse Oðinsdagr ("Odin's day"), which is an early translation of the Latin dies Mercurii ("Mercury's day"). Though Mercury (the messenger of the gods) and Woden (the king of the Germanic gods) are not equivalent in most regards.
6. Wednesday will now be called Freedomday of Liberty anyone worshipping the false idol of Odin shall be forced to live in Little Rock Arkansas

checkers

i propose that anyone caught playing chinese checkers should be put to death, also chinese food should be referred to as liberty food or freedom food. We need to stop these quasi-commy bastards while we still can

hot toothpaste

have you ever brushed ur teeth with reaaly hot toothpaste, its sooo not enjoyable and refreshing.

also special feature- A Window into the Magnolia State:

It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.

A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.

If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.

Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.

Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $250 fine.

Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.

It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.